I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
