I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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