you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize