Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
