Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
