Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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