found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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