I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize