not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
