The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
