I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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