after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He literally asked permission to hit on me
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
