So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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