your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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