What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
