And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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