I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
