I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
