Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Say something about gay babies.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
