I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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