Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
