Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
