I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Hello my rib-scented angel!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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