Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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