Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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