you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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