Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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