I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
