So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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