Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize