Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
