ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
