i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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