whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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