things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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