If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
