I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize