Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Randomize