she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
