The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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