help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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