I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
