Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
