dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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