Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I fill condoms, not promises.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
