Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
