Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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