Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
My goal for the night is to see your housemate's one lonely teste.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
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