My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
