I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Drake has all the answers
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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