I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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