I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
