On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
