its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
