I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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