it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
