You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
