You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
