I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
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