Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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